For the love of Joseph and Mary’s unsullied maidenhead: When will Joe Miller stop smelling his own farts and accept the fact that he is a loser? “Probably never,” according to everyone. “He’s a hopeless dick.” Miller is still peddling the same sad legal argument — “voter intent” is in violation of what Joe Miller intended, or something — in hopes that he will be vindicated and Lisa Murkowski will be arrested for massive voter fraud. This is Joe Miller’s wettest dream, and he will describe it to the Alaska Supreme Court this afternoon. Will voter intent prevail over Joe Miller’s perverted sense of Democracy? Alaska’s smug Assistant Attorney General points out that it’s “hard to imagine how a voter who wrote ‘Lisa Murcowsky’ or even ‘Leeza Murcowski’ might have been trying to vote for anyone else.” Yes, hard to imagine if you’re not a bearded megalomaniac. [ADN] READ MORE »
Did you think we’d forget? With just eight days of Xmas Shopping before the Big Day when you go in the bathroom and shoot yourself because you can’t afford presents, again, this Christmas Holiday Season is shaping up to be the best ever! And we’ve got a very special selection of gift ideas to prove you care enough to look at a political joke website instead of doing some “Cyber Friday” last-minute charging on the almost-revoked credit card! Please get a cup of hot chocolate anything alcoholic and enjoy these yuletide gems. READ MORE »
This is still referred to as “The D.C. Gossip,” right? Let’s give you some.
This senator from a Great Plains state has a district office made entirely of pickup trucks and is on record against earmarks. But that didn’t stop him from sticking one into the recent omnibus bill that provides trillions of dollars for construction of a bridge to the Moon to be named after his grandson, after he lost a bet in a game of Go Fish. What does the earmark say shall be done with any leftover funds? Construction to build a crater-sized facility for SECRET SEX PARTIES.
Julian Assange has finally been released on bail, LADIEZ. Who wants to buy him some train tickets and condoms he may not use? All of you? Keith Olbermann?Yes. The man has a whole castle to himself, one full of rustic objects with which to hold you down, if that is your sort of thing. Meanwhile, Gawker has published some e-mails an Australian woman received from Julian Assange in 2004, when she was 19 and he was already a white-haired weirdo. (Gawker paid her in pure, uncut Vegemite, probably.) “There was something unusual about our interaction,” he wrote in one. “It is almost as if I had scripted it and left my fingerprints in the ink.” Transparently hott! READ MORE »
This is what one year in the Senate, occasionally breaking with your party, does to your body in an era of extreme polarization. Hopefully the appreciative gays will find a way to fix him up. [Google News]
Swiftboat birther nutsack Jerome Corsi is so confused by Obama becoming Republican Senate Majority Leader that there’s really nothing left to do but go back to the old “George W. Bush is making Mexico and Canada part of America by building an unfunded interstate highway in the Midwest” conspiracy. Corsi’s new WorldNetDaily column totally ignores the actual news about Obama — that this Krafty Kenyan has somehow become Ronald Reagan’s actual son/heir — and instead makes ample use of “quietly” and “below the radar” to tell the sinister story of how there’s some government report suggesting North America should better coordinate security considering the ENTIRE REST OF THE WORLD wants to blow up the United States and it’s relatively simple to get in through the Canadian or Mexican borders if the FBI and State Department forgot to send your chartered plane to Saudi Arabia or whatever. READ MORE »
For most Americans, Christmas is that special time when you gather your remaining pennies, find your way to the local 7-Eleven to finish your Christmas shopping and pray that, when you return home, the Baby Jesus left a job/house/car under your tree. But if you live in Washington, D.C. — a city that was just proclaimed to be wealthiest and most educated in the nation — there’s nothing like Christmas! It’s been Christmas since Halloween, but now it’s really actually almost Christmas. So go out and spend money, D.C., yes? READ MORE »
Christ-killers and Menorah fetishists, ACLU fascists and Kwanzaa-celebrating racists, liberals and Nazis, gather ’round the Christmas fire! Normally at Christmastime, your reviewer would want to read aloud someclassics of theseason, but this year we must focus on what’s truly important and enduring: books by furious wingnuts that denounce the damnable War on Christmas. According to two incisive pieces of War on Christmas/Christians lit, you liberal hooligans are setting reindeer traps and torching Nativity scenes left and right. But then again, even flying reindeer might be a liberal/Hitlerite plot. What? READ MORE »
Lt. Col. Terrence Lakin, the Army doctor who pleaded guilty on Tuesday to STANDING UP FOR PRESIDENTIAL BIRTH CERTIFICATES, has now told the jury he was wrong to disobey his order to deploy to Afghanistan, and he wishes to deploy now. It’s funny how the black man running the country suddenly is an American citizen when this birther is faced with jail time. Haha, just kidding, Obama still is An Illegal; Lakin simply used the wrong venue to let people know about it. “I was wrong for trying to push this issue within the Army,” he said. Yes, that’s rather difficult to do when your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss is the man in question. READ MORE »
Emo Obama is back, according to Obama-Republican tax-cut opponent Peter DeFazio, who said last night that the president is “making phone calls saying this is the end of his presidency if he doesn’t get” his deal passed. Oh, is that it? One thing doesn’t go his way, and suddenly the whole world has conspired against him and his feelings and completely ruined being president for him? DeFazio thinks the passing of this tax-cut thing actually will ruin Obama’s chances for re-election. How nice of him to look out for the young man! But he should be careful, because Obama will just quit if this doesn’t pass, because what is even the point of living if this particular package of tax cuts and economic adjustments doesn’t pass? And then the presidency will be handed to that annoying kid who thinks he’s everybody’s friend, Joe Biden. READ MORE »
So, Afghanistan: That’s going really well, huh? “Yes,” according to the Obama administration’s Afghanistan report, which was released today. You can read it online, of course — but if you simply do that, it won’t make any sense, as this war is not going all that well. So you should read it out loud, at the top of your lungs, and thus drown out everyone making arguments against it. Once you do that, the report will make sense! The U.S. will start removing troops in July, because Afghanistan suddenly will have a great military that wants to kill off the Taliban, and Pakistan will selflessly assist them, if we just believe it. All we need is a little imagination! READ MORE »
Ho ho ho, Merry AL QAEDA WILL KILL US ALL, and to all a good night! This is not a joke, people: Iraqi authorities have “obtained confessions” (“obtained” — is that what they call it now?) from captured insurgents who say Al Qaeda is “planning suicide attacks in the United States and Europe during the Christmas season.” The Christmas cockbombing thing didn’t really work out, so maybe someone will try shoving a whole bunch of Bomb Bags up their bunghole instead? These sorts of threats are always very credible, so please take these torture-extracted confessions seriously and hide in your basement for the rest of the year. Ah, Yuletide Fear. [AP] READ MORE »
Secretary Janet Napolitano recently announced an expansion of the “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign, because that is the sort of thing bureaucratic organizations do. But this struck fear into the hearts of certain wingnuts that are watching her closely these days, as she is not one of their beloved Republican Homeland Security secretaries, but rather a communist, FEMALE “Big Sister.” All seemed stable, and nobody was drinking rat poison with their coonhound so they could be out before Napolitano got to them. But then certain people finally found out she was going after Wal-Mart, which is against the Constitution maybe. READ MORE »
